People are saying that good old direct mail is having a bit of a renaissance. The growth of edm and the price of postage has seen DM die off in recent years but some are saying it’s on its way back, partly due to its very rarity and therefore renewed impact on the doormat.
Time will tell, but it’s my favourite medium by a long way, so I hope its popularity is restored to its former glory. (That’s a control-busting pack I did for Which? at the top of the post.)
Which is why I was so disappointed by a b2b direct mail pack I received yesterday from Parcelforce. You’d have thought, wouldn’t you, that a company whose entire existence is based on the post would be able to commission a half-decent mailing?
(I used to work on the Royal Mail account many years ago when I was a direct marketing agency Creative Director, and we made sure that every mailing we did for them was a paragon of dm best practice. It would be odd not to. Medium/message and all that.)
This mailing, however, was almost embarrassing in its cluelessness.
Because I work in the business, I ploughed through it to try and glean what it was all about whereas most recipients would have moved it swiftly bin-wise.
Clearly, Parcel Force have teamed up with the makers of the new Paddington Bear film. I guessed this because the whole mailing is festooned — no, smothered — in pictures of our favourite peruvian quadruped and lame bear puns abound. Bear essentials, bearing parcels. Oh, be still my quaking sides.
What this has got to do with a business to business delivery proposition, I have (still) no idea. The business benefits messages (such as they are) are buried beneath the bear puns, bear pictures and references to the film.
The mailing consists of two A5 landcape brochures in an A5 outer. A six pager and a 4 pager. 10 pages are therefore available to tell me why I should use Parcel Force. Most of these are utterly wasted. Four are just pictures of Paddington, ads for the film, and a Merry Christmas from New York message which leaves me utterly nonplussed. What has this got to do with anything?
I thought for a second, that there wasn’t even a letter. Repeat after me: YOU NEVER EVER SEND OUT A DM PACK WITHOUT A LETTER.
Leave out the brochure, leave out the response device, leave out the testimonials lift letter, the offer flyer. Leave out the bloody envelope, but never ever leave out a letter.
This letter was simply printed on the inside flap of the 4pp leaflet. A waste of personalisation as it gained no leverage from using my name. It didn’t read like a letter. It read like an ad. Wrong.
The headline on the letter was a tragedy in itself:
We’re bearers of Great British Delivery
What does that even MEAN? Clearly the writer was so excited about Paddington that any sense of trying to sell me something, engage with my business needs, or even hint at a reason for writing to me, had never entered his or her head.
The letter starts by telling me that Paddington’s story ‘began with a Great British Delivery’ and ‘he has now become a part and parcel of British life’. Parcel! Geddit?
WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS UTTER BULLSHIT?
They then tell me, second para, that Paddington is coming to the big screen.
WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS IN A PARCELFORCE MAILING?
Finally, three paras in, we get to some sort of product story. They tell me, knowingly, that ‘your customers want a carrier that can offer them choice, convenience and control’.
My customers want this? Not my own company, then? What sort of company do they think Simon Plent Direct Marketing might be? Do they think I might be advising my clients about what parcel delivery service to use? What crazy mixed-up list is my company on?
Leaving this nonsensical non-targetting aside, the letter, and in fact the whole mailer, is overflowing with cliches about the brilliance of Parcel Force’s service:
‘We put convenience first’ ‘You need a carrier you can trust’ ‘Our exceptional quality of service’ This is entirely the level of business to business engagement it operates on. How old do they think I am? Four?
Please please please. Write the letter first. Cram it with interesting stuff I might want to know. Not stuff you want to tell me. Especially stuff about Paddington bear.
I AM A GROWN UP RUNNING A BUSINESS. I DO NOT CARE THAT THERE IS A PADDINGTON BEAR FILM COMING OUT AT CHRISTMAS.
Life is too short, and my time is too expensive, to waste it on rubbish like this.
Tell me what it is you’re offering. Tell me why I need it, how it will help my business. Tell me what you want me to do. And give me a good reason for doing it RIGHT now.
Other than to get me to fill in a form about what sort of parcel services I use (suddenly not how many my customers use?) in return for entering a prize draw to win a trip to, yep you guessed it, Darkest Peru, I have absolutely no idea what this mailer is for.
I have heard of Parcelforce. If my business involves parcels, I presumably know broadly what they offer. This mailing doesn’t tell me anything new, doesn’t announce a new service, doesn’t offer me a discount or any other incentive to use them. So what is the purpose of this mailing?
And, most frustratingly of all, it fails to answer the question burning a hole in the brain of every recipient: what the hell has Parcelforce got to do with a new Paddington Bear film?